Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
