i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
