There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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