Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
