so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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