Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
