Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
