Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
