I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
