I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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