i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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