This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
