Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
