Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
