Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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