I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize