I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
