sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
