She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
