If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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