I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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