I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
