thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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