who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
