Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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