apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
