So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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