Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
