I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
