I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize