Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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