"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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