Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
