Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
and you fell through a lawn chair
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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