Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
