I wanna bring you to show and tell
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
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