Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
