Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just invented taco cereal.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
