Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
