i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
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