Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
