I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
