Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
