matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize