Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
