I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't turn off my feet"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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