Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
