Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
