I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
