my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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