dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
