I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize