it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
