Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
