Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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