you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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