It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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